Why Am I Single? by Valerie Steimle-Foy
Just like those people who wonder, Who am I ?, Why am I here?, and What is my purpose in life?; the question of Why am I single?, comes to the mind of every single member. How did I get myself in this situation?
Other questions like: Why haven’t I found someone who will love me? Why do I continue to marry the same kind of person? and Why do I have to be alone? are also questions which surface in many single members’ minds. These questions might seem random and not related but they are important to single people. Some of these questions are better answered by a trained psychologist and other questions are of a more spiritual nature. Either way, I would like to address them all. These answers are not meant as a “cure all” for being single. On the contrary, I hope they help all singles to understand themselves better and realize they are loved of God.
Why am I single? That is a very good question. I have asked that question of myself. Why was I left alone with nine children? Why did my husband die after being married twenty-five years? We all have challenges to face and we all have a purpose here on earth. One of the conclusions I have come to in answer to this question of “why am I single?” is found in Doctrine and Covenants, section 122, verse seven. It is interesting to note that one of the most difficult times of Joseph Smith’s life brought out one of the best passages of scripture we’ve ever read. Sections 121, 122, 123 have the best teachings for all members of the Church.
Liberty Jail was at best a horrendous place to live. The prophet Joseph Smith describes it as such: “We are kept under a strong guard, night and day, in a prison of double walls and doors, proscribed in our liberty of conscience, our food is scant…… We have been compelled to sleep on the floor with straw, and not blankets sufficient to keep us warm…
With this suffering in mind and the humility the Prophet Joseph felt, the words came, “…know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”
Know thou, my children, that all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good. I know, I don’t like being single. No one really does, but the experience was for my good.
What can I learn from being single? What can I learn from the experience of losing a spouse either through death or divorce? More and more questions come to mind from our situation but we can learn from our experience in all that we do in this life and then help others. This experience is for our good.
Not to sound arrogant or belittling of our difficulties, but we knew we were going to have challenges when we heard of the great plan of happiness in the Spirit World. We knew that our life on earth would be challenging in some ways and when these difficulties came, we would hopefully remember the encouraging words of the Savior: “Know thou, that all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good”.
Why haven’t I found someone who will love me? This is also another great question. I don’t know why some members of the Church have companions that stay and some don’t. I don’t know why some never marry and some have successful marriages all their lives. There are many righteous members who have never married and are worthy of a righteous companion. There are also many righteous members who are divorced who also are worthy of a righteous companion, but this doesn’t happen quickly.
One of the best books I have ever read after my husband passed away is called Mars and Venus Starting Over,by John Gray, PhD. In this book, Dr. Gray hits the nail right on the head about so many concepts in relationships between men and women and how they can heal from their loss. What he suggests is that when you are married for a certain period of time you form an emotional attachment with that person. When the person is gone whether through divorce or death, the attachment is lost. He says, “Until we are able to let go of our attachment, we are not able to tap into this innate ability to find love.”
That statement made an amazing discovery for me. I was dependent on my deceased husband before he passed away and had a difficult time coping without him there. When we experience these trials of losing a companion, there is so much emotional baggage we have to deal with in our life, we can’t think straight. How can we heal ourselves when we are walking in a fog? Dr Gray says we have to take the time to heal ourselves.
Whether you have never been married or are single again, do all that you can do to improve yourself. Do all you can do to heal yourself so you can think clearly and feel the Spirit reveal to you what you need to do in your life. Read whatever books you can find that will help you make a better life. Keep your faith strong but also remember that you can improve your life as you open up to righteous members of the church. There are two great examples of this idea from righteous sisters who have never been married. Kristen Meredith McMain and Wendy Watson. Both righteous women who were in their fifties. Both single and were never married until some how they were introduced to single apostles of the Lord. Sister McMain married Elder Dallin H. Oaks and Sister Watson married Elder Russell M. Nelson. They kept their faith and never gave up. They lived worthy lives and were blessed with a companion. I can’t promise that all single sisters will find apostles of the Lord to marry but know that Heavenly Father loves and treasures you. He wants you to be happy.
Hope these words will give you something to think about and support you in your life.
